Back to School

I am a spectator at this sport. I merely watch seemingly normal people lose their minds for one week every year as children return to school. Today was the first day back to my kids' homeschool enrichment program (a.k.a. "school two days per week") so we did pull out a backpack, throw some pencils and paper in it, grab a water bottle, and attend "Meet the Teacher" yesterday, but that pretty much covered it. They do have to change classes all day and find their classrooms, buy lunch in the cafeteria, and follow rules, but that's about it. They left the house dressed like they looked yesterday. They felt the same way about life as they did yesterday. Life is as it was yesterday -- before . . . (insert dramatic music here) . . . "BACK TO SCHOOL!"

My husband and I made the mistake of going to Walmart last night to look for a pool cover for our above-ground pool (a.k.a. "the ongoing chemistry set.") You would think that finding pool supplies in August in Arizona would be easy, but first you have to make your way through the entry maze of school supplies that occupy the first five aisles of the store and also a bin conveniently located at each register. I ended up deciding that I would take this opportunity to look for my special four-color ball-point pen since nurses must sign orders in red and chart in black, and who wants to carry two pens? I never did find my special pens, but after a while, I gave up looking because of the zombies standing in each aisle blankly staring at school supplies lists. Seriously? You don't already have these items at home, or you haven't picked them up already? They appeared in the stores two months ago!

When I got home, I decided to research what is being requested of kids these days on these school supplies lists. It's been four years since my kids attended regular school, and the last time I remember buying school supplies, we showed up to back-to-school night with two bags full of tissues and Ziplock baggies because that's what the teacher wanted, and I wanted to get in good with her early on. She was holding the key to my child's future so if she needed tissues, I would provide. As it turns out, tissues and baggies are still on most of the school supplies lists for school districts whose lists I found on the internet. I like to think that the key to a good education starts with a high quality sandwich bag. The rest of the items on these lists were common sense. I had to look up what a Duo-Tang was -- that teacher has got to be a forward-thinker as that term for folder is now passé. I saw several lists which specifically asked for "an old white sock." Do you know what this is for? It's for wiping the dry-erase board because only "an old white sock" will do. I can see myself specifically buying white socks just for that purpose.

On the topic of other clothing needs, I learn from Seventeen magazine that the hot back-to-school fashion trend for 2010 is leggings, boots, and oversize shirts which makes perfect sense when the forecast high today is 107°. I really don't understand why kids need new clothing to go back to school. What did they wear yesterday? Were they walking around in their underwear? The Bureau of Labor Statistics tells me that 77.5% of kids ages 6-17 years have a working mother. This leads me to believe that the majority of these children were in some sort of supervised childcare over the summer while their parents were working. Did they attend naked? Can they not wear the daycare clothes to school? I looked up the dress code for one of my local schools, and I was so impressed by this PDF, that I feel the need to put a link here: http://www.mpsaz.org/brinton/faqs/files/dress_code_1-22-2010.pdf. Really, they've thought of everything complete with photo graphics! This is an elementary school! I particularly like the part prohibiting the body piercings and tattoos, and I don't think they mean the Cracker Jack variety. Okay, so maybe the back-to-school clothes craze is for uniforms. Well, the National Center for Education Statistics tells me that for 2007-08 (their most recent statistic), only 18% of public schools require uniforms, and the percentage raises only slightly when you factor in all schools, public and private. So I don't think the average $600 per American family going towards back to school items is being spent on uniforms. The Back-to-School shopping craze was invented by retailers, and it remains the second biggest money-making time of the year for them, second only to Christmas. Here's where one must realize that education in America is already married to big business. Case in point, Monday's first day back-to-school lunch menu in my district included pizza and "Elf Grahams." Hmmm . . . I wonder who the "Elf" is??? Keebler? Do you know of any other cracker elf? We couldn't just say "crackers" on the menu?

Thankfully, we have Oprah to sort this out for us with a slide-show on how to "Beat the Back-to-School Blues" http://www.theonion.com/articles/back-to-school,16852/#1 Whoops! That's The Onion, but doesn't it look like the same slide-show!? Here's Oprah's: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/How-to-Ease-Back-into-the-School-Year/7#slide! Back-to-School is the most important thing going on in the world right now. That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it! We're not over-exaggerating or anything here . . .